Back in high school, when I used to think about college, I used to think of how I would finally get all the freedom that I felt deprived of. I used to think about amazing my life would be. I would finally get the chance to build genuine relationships that would last for all the lifetimes to come. But now I cannot stop thinking about how wrong I was.
I thought about how I couldn’t wait to finally stay up all night and go to fun parties and socialise. Little did I know, that the only reason I would stay up night would be because of the monumental amount of assignments that would be due the following week. And little did I know that I would stay awake till 3 am only because of worsening anxiety. I thought that I would make so many amazing friends and build strong relationships and friendships with people, but I never expected for people to turn against me and take advantage of the trust I gave in some people. I thought I would enjoy writing college essays and thesis papers and I would enjoy taking colourful notes during classes (well I did), but I never thought that the same things that I enjoyed and I thought that I would enjoy would turn out to be more exhausting than ever.
I thought I would be independent and do my own thing and enjoy the sanguinity of being alone and having the liberty to make my own decisions. But I never thought that I would ache for company every single day, just for someone to listen to me to rant away. I never thought that I would end up becoming more confused by the night. I thought that people would come and approach me at the cafeteria and make light-hearted conversations and make things better, but I never thought I would have to go and sit on the staircase at the back and eat lunch on my own. Little did I know that this would be comforting at the same time, after all the noise that I would have to hear on the outside. I thought I would make my own meals, exercise every single day and make my health my first priority. But little did I know that I would turn to cigarettes as a mean of brightening up. I never thought that skipping meals would become so habitual. I thought I wouldn’t miss my family and enjoy my newfound independence. But I never thought that I would become so impatient and restless for every possible break that was there in the semester. I never thought that I would miss my mum’s voice at 7 AM in the morning coming and screaming at me to wake up or else I would be late for class. I never thought I’d miss the companionable fights with my brother that I had at almost every hour of the day. I never thought I would miss my dad giving me advices on meditating and spirituality and talking on and on about what I should do in order to not throw my life away.
Now a lot of you may think that I had a choice, I could make my college life the way I expected it to be. But there are a lot of other things that were out of my hand at that time and it isn’t as easy as it sounds. But I’m happy that I tried, I am and I always will. But I guess, I never led the “normal” college life.