In a larger scheme of things with major problems in the world, this one might seem petty. But it is just as exhausting, bothering and daunting. Self-doubt is probably my worst enemy and a pathway to my destruction. It consumes me away until I feel nothing but hollow and so dry that even tears wouldn’t help. It leaves me perplexed and annoyed because very often, people, when they look at me in the corridor or on the streets, they think that I rude or stuck up; but I’m just insecure. I’m scared, which is why I never start a conversation with anyone. I’m so terrified of getting rejected or a negative reaction even though rebounding from it does not take that long. I somehow manage to give 10 minute presentations with full confidence and I can make it through any job or internship interview, but there is this other side of me; that is once everything is done, I break every little thing of the past down and scrutinize it until there’s nothing left of it. It swallows me up until I’m just scared to take charge of my own life again. I might look all sorted and calm but my mind has only been occupied by me overthinking every little detail of my life that went wrong. Getting to know new people is on another different level because I really love socializing and interacting with people and making new friends, but it takes time because initially I’m just overthinking about what they are thinking of me or what if I’m coming off as “too interested” or pushy.
Having self-doubt does not just happen while giving presentations or meeting new people. It takes over my personal life as well. It’s like having the fear of waking up one day and having all your close friends hate you even though that’s something that will never happen. It’s also when you have the fear that your parents will never ever be happy with what you do; moreover, you yourself will never ever be good enough for your own expectations. It makes you self-conscious. It makes you stare at all those “perfect” strangers outside and then you look at yourself in the mirror and beat yourself up mentally until you accept the fact that you’ll never be good enough (even though that is definitely not true). It makes every piece of clothing that you own terrible and it makes every skill and strength that you have questionable in your own head.
Having self-doubt accompany me like my shadow has altered my life in some of the worst ways possible. I’m scared of opening up to people. I’m scared that people might find my kindness and giving attitude clingy or creepy. It makes me fear that talking about my accomplishments will make people label me as a narcissist. My mind plays games with me constantly- for instance when I’m in the washroom and am trying to fix my hair, my inner demon keeps telling me that all those other people are staring at me. All of this happens because I just happen to break down every single thing even though I don’t want to and even though the world around me is completely normal. I tend to break down every little thought until it is smaller than an atom and it makes me completely neurotic and paranoid. My self-doubt has hindered me from making progress in my own life.
Now if you read all this and related with every word that I wrote, trust me, it is not the end. Like I said, your mind is just playing games with you and you just have to keep going until you win and completely conquer your own thoughts and turn them into positives. It might feel like a cross-country marathon that you have to run, but in a grand scheme of things like the universe and the galaxy, your self-doubt is only like a mere dust particle in the air that can float away forever with just a little bit of push that you will need to give.