Author: The In-between Thoughts

Heaven Is Collapsing

Heaven is collapsing in my mind

As I wait for the pain 

to subside.

Heaven is collapsing in my mind

As I count to three and you

say goodbye. 

Heaven is collapsing in my mind

Because I’m living a lie

and so I wake up every night. 

Heaven is collapsing in my mind

as my art becomes my catharsis

and all my faults aline. 

Life Is Not Easy

Life is not easy when

she cries at night and smiles

in the morning.

Life is not easy when

people fail her and yet

she still has to fight for them. 

Life is not easy when

the thought of her being content 

becomes a wild thought for others. 

Life is not easy when

her own people look down on her

because of all the things she loves. 

Life is not easy when

her will to live is dampened 

just by hurtful words. 

Life is not easy when

people tell her that she’s a burden and yet

they can’t live without her. 

I Try To Forget You, Anyway

I try and line myself on the edge of my bed 

to keep your thoughts at bay, but you

make an appearance in my dreams anyway. 

I try to pack up your thoughts in my jewelry box

but I want to wear my favorite earrings anyway, everyday. 

I try to convince myself that I love winter, but you are my sun

and it rose every morning anyway. I did everything I could

to forget you, but the outline of your lips resembled the petals

of the flowers that I held and kissed everyday. 

***

Some thoughts, you just can’t push them away. 

If There Was A Parallel Universe

If there was a parallel universe somewhere out there. A place where we could be possibly be together- I would cherish every inch of your body and every atom of your soul. I would wait for you under the scorching heat, under the pouring rain, in the depths of darkness- I would wait for you because I know that once you would be in the embrace of my arms, everything would make sense and everything would be okay. We would listen to the soft music that you love while sharing a cup of coffee. And every ticking minute that would pass by, I would feel closer and closer to heaven. And if you’d ask me why I enjoyed every single second with you so much and why I couldn’t live without you, I’d have no logical explanation. It would be the safety and the simplicity that I saw in your eyes, how falling into your arms felt like ascending to a greater place- to paradise. When you sat next to me- so close, I could see our skin wrinkling away together and how I would hold your hand through the all the changes that we would go through. You would tell me how you didn’t even have to try and just how a river flows effortlessly, you trickled down into my soul and how you would say that you’d never imagine that breathing underwater would feel so great. In a universe far away, where there were raging wars and bloodshed and complicated thoughts, we would be dancing at 2 am in our little house together. If there was a parallel universe, our souls would be the only things colliding into each other. We wouldn’t have to parade around and let the world know or shower each other with roses. We would only be in each other’s’ thoughts and that would be enough for us to believe. No fight would be strong enough to break us apart. No differences would be enough to make either of us feel left out. No silence between us would make us feel empty or hollow. No falling flower would make us feel like time is running out. No darkness would make us feel devoid of light. For, we’d be each other’s sunlight seeping through the soft cracks of the leaves that would form in the sky. No winter would be cold enough. Your hand, even though it is slightly bigger than mine, it would fit. Your eye colour is blue and mine is brown and somehow those two colours don’t go together but when we would look into each other’s eyes, they’d complement each other under the shimmering sunlight. No secret would be big enough to hide from each other, because faith would be the only powerful thing in this world. In this world, our hearts would be the only things racing fast while time outside with the wind would slow down and become soft, only so that we could savour every given moment with other.

Of everything I know about the existence of multiverses and the cosmos, if there was a parallel universe somewhere out there, a reality where there would be nothing holding us back from each other, where everything was pure and safe and sweet- I’d love you just the same.

He Loved Her ‘Til There Was a Flower Left

In the first week, the plant was bountiful with flowers

The time he loved her sweet

The promises that they would keep.

The trust, they both would reap.

In the second week, down came 

the unforeseeable rain

Their fights, all in vain, as they ended their days 

In each others’ arms 

Under the shadow of the candle’s flame. 

In the third week, there was an unforgivable storm

More than half of the flowers were gone. They saw less

Of each other. Pieces of him in her and her in him

They remained. 

In the fourth week, the clouds started to calm, but 

Grey they still were. Only one flower perfectly poised, remained.

The one he had saved for her. 

*** Young love that is short and simple, yet passionate burns fast, my friends. But the scars always remain.***

Flowers Drenched in Rainwater

Flowers drenched in rainwater 

O, how heavy you must feel!

Thoughts cascading down the edges of my shoulders

Overwhelmed, by the burden, I kneel. 

I bend to pick up the flowers 

My mind- not wanting to be kind

It only wants to pick up the pretty ones

And leave the withering ones behind. 

My heart warns myself, not to be fool’d 

“Look down at your own hands” it says

Graceful and delicate, now they are

But failing the tests of time one day

your own skin will slowly wrinkle away.

Paper Flowers

Paper flowers in the wind

Gracefully at the might of my feet

Each petal bearing my sin, that would go unpunished 

For their beauty, I beseech for thee. 

Paper flowers amongst the pages

Hidden like valuable bookmarks

Endless pages with storytelling lines

All akin to my living lies. 

Paper flowers on the stems

Growing and falling at the same time

Counting every petal- one to ten

Collecting my thoughts, of your shrine. 

Shimmering Golden On My Bed

I was told that life is hard

We must search for bliss

Mother said “Look at the drooping flowers”

“Their beauty, always amiss.” 

The highs and lows of society

And all the blood that is shed

Mother said “Always maintain sobriety”

“When challenging life gets.”

Although, I never understood a word

That mother had said. For, when I lay 

Awake at dawn, shimmering golden on my bed

I remembered mother’s words “Life is not a bed of roses.”

A quote she had said

But in bliss I found myself, shimmering golden on my bed. 

***

Someone once asked me “What makes you happy? What do you live for?” I said “I live for the littlest things; they are the ones that make me happy. Like the rising sun and the falling rain, when people smile after they fight off their pain.”

Falling For You: They asked me how I knew

People often ask me, how I knew that I was in love. Even though you never held my hand or caressed my neck nor whisper honeyed words into my ears.

I still knew.

I still knew that it was you.

I told them that it was the littlest things that would suffice. When you would walk into the room and you would smile at your friends and then look around to catch my eye and warmth would emanate through the dust particles between us, only to make everything more pure. The way the sound of your laugh was more than just a laugh and a sweet melody like Mozart to my ears. How your smile was my secret hiding place on days when I felt the weight of my own thoughts on my shoulders. How our little conversations were the music that put me to sleep and how they were the first remembrances in my mind at 7 AM when I woke. That’s when I contemplated as to why people phrase it “falling in love” because you were a manifestation that I rose to every single day. But that part comes later, because only if I knew. Only if I had payed enough attention to the red traffic signal instead of getting consumed in the joys of the green one. If only I would have shut the windows a bit tighter to prevent the rain from seeping through, onto my wooden floors, turning them a darker shade. If only I would have blown out the candle a bit earlier.

If only.

But those few moments with you were bountiful and full of life- endless exuberant sunlit days of a young girl, of a one-sided kind of love. The rush of adrenaline by just thinking of you. The unforced and natural smile on my face and the irregular thudding of my heart against my cage. If it wasn’t for all these, then would true love be? I used to think that maybe one day, I would wake up and see your face next to mine, how your caramel hair tousled callously around your temples. How I would know how you like your coffee on Sunday mornings and how we would bicker about the most foolish things, only to come apologizing on each other’s doors in the evening. Ever wondered if “maybes” just remain “maybes” or turn out to be “never”?

I was unsure as to what possibly went wrong. What shift had taken place in the cosmos, where was the faultline under my earth, that I had to reassemble myself from the doom of unrequited love. And that’s when I realized why they call it “falling in love”. It’s a sudden dive into the depths of the oceans where nothing but your feelings and affection matter. Everything else becomes unimportant and secondary. You lose grasp of your own belongings and your own-self whilst in search of the rare pearl.

And how foolish was I and still am to let those memories of you make my bones warm on a winter’s day.  

***

So how did you know?

I Will Confess, Only After Death

Twas the mellow glint in thy eyes

So subtle, yet bright

Like a candle casting its light

I- your shadow in disguise.

Seldom, we spoke

An encore of our conversations, my early thoughts

When I woke. Your presence in my mind

long lived like the Oak. 

O, but in thy heart, there was some other

The truth, only leaving me bereft

Your unending presence, myself- tethered

Alors, perhaps, I will confess my love, only after death. 

***

Loving someone feels great, but not being loved back?