Personally

Do you ever wonder?

Two hours have passed since I had my dinner and while I was eating I started thinking about the decisions I made in my life which impacted my present moments in some or the other way. The choices we make as humans in our lives are so crucial and we often do not realize it. It made me wonder how different our lives could have been if we would have done certain things in our past differently. Decisions specifically we regret making or possibly not making. Perhaps if we spoke a bit louder so that the other person could hear us under our breath. If we would have forgiven that person instead of jeopardizing our years of paramount relationship/friendship. If we confessed our love for that special someone. If we had quit that bad habit years back. If we had gone to that party. If we would have published our story. If we would have finished that last chapter which we never did. If we didn’t give up and kept striving for that one thing that we wanted to reach. If we would not have turned down that job interview just because the job was not interesting enough. If we would have ignored our anger and answered that phone call. If we would have started a conversation with that person sitting across in the dimly lit coffee shop. If we wouldn’t have walked out of that door that one evening. If we would have booked those affordable flight tickets and embarked on a life-changing journey. If we just would have woken up a bit early to see the sunrise with him/her.  If we would put our lives and our thoughts and feelings first instead of others or maybe if we would have understood life from their shoes before things fell apart like a deck of cards. A lot of things could be different now. They could be on a whole different level and maybe we wouldn’t be having long nights of regrets, unending repentance and “what ifs” after our unfulfilling dinners within our closed spaces.

So do you ever wonder how things could have been so unbelievably different?

Living with self-doubt 24/7

In a larger scheme of things with major problems in the world, this one might seem petty. But it is just as exhausting, bothering and daunting. Self-doubt is probably my worst enemy and a pathway to my destruction. It consumes me away until I feel nothing but hollow and so dry that even tears wouldn’t help. It leaves me perplexed and annoyed because very often, people, when they look at me in the corridor or on the streets, they think that I rude or stuck up; but I’m just insecure. I’m scared, which is why I never start a conversation with anyone. I’m so terrified of getting rejected or a negative reaction even though rebounding from it does not take that long. I somehow manage to give 10 minute presentations with full confidence and I can make it through any job or internship interview, but there is this other side of me; that is once everything is done, I break every little thing of the past down and scrutinize it until there’s nothing left of it. It swallows me up until I’m just scared to take charge of my own life again. I might look all sorted and calm but my mind has only been occupied by me overthinking every little detail of my life that went wrong. Getting to know new people is on another different level because I really love socializing and interacting with people and making new friends, but it takes time because initially I’m just overthinking about what they are thinking of me or what if I’m coming off as “too interested” or pushy.

Having self-doubt does not just happen while giving presentations or meeting new people. It takes over my personal life as well. It’s like having the fear of waking up one day and having all your close friends hate you even though that’s something that will never happen. It’s also when you have the fear that your parents will never ever be happy with what you do; moreover, you yourself will never ever be good enough for your own expectations. It makes you self-conscious. It makes you stare at all those “perfect” strangers outside and then you look at yourself in the mirror and beat yourself up mentally until you accept the fact that you’ll never be good enough (even though that is definitely not true). It makes every piece of clothing that you own terrible and it makes every skill and strength that you have questionable in your own head.

Having self-doubt accompany me like my shadow has altered my life in some of the worst ways possible. I’m scared of opening up to people. I’m scared that people might find my kindness and giving attitude clingy or creepy. It makes me fear that talking about my accomplishments will make people label me as a narcissist. My mind plays games with me constantly- for instance when I’m in the washroom and am trying to fix my hair, my inner demon keeps telling me that all those other people are staring at me. All of this happens because I just happen to break down every single thing even though I don’t want to and even though the world around me is completely normal. I tend to break down every little thought until it is smaller than an atom and it makes me completely neurotic and paranoid.  My self-doubt has hindered me from making progress in my own life.

Now if you read all this and related with every word that I wrote, trust me, it is not the end. Like I said, your mind is just playing games with you and you just have to keep going until you win and completely conquer your own thoughts and turn them into positives. It might feel like a cross-country marathon that you have to run, but in a grand scheme of things like the universe and the galaxy, your self-doubt is only like a mere dust particle in the air that can float away forever with just a little bit of push that you will need to give.

 

To all the 20-something year olds who haven’t fallen in love yet

Living in this modern day and age and being the only one among your group of friends who has not experienced “falling in love” can be pressurizing. Pressurizing because you constantly feel like the world is rushing you into wanting to experience all these rampant emotions when you aren’t even ready. And also probably because you just not have been able to find that one person who you can just naturally connect with on numerous levels. It can be overwhelming to feel that distant in a crowd of people who are in the dating game or are seeing people and are constantly updating their love lives on social media and are gushing about the little arguments they have and whatnot. When you have nothing and nobody to relate to.

But you are not alone. Believe it or not, there are millions like you out there. “Falling in love” can often get twisted into a lot of different things like getting intensely attached with someone or having periods of infatuation and crushes on that cute guy in the corridor or at work. But it isn’t. Love-in whatever sense, takes time. It is something that build ups and strengthens itself. Like a new building being built on a strong foundation with strong materials which will survive in any atmosphere and weather that is to come. You build an emotional connection. You slowly let yourself become vulnerable and completely naked- in the literal and figurative sense. You share things and experiences and stories that you would normally hesitate to open up about. You let all your insecurities show and for the first time you let your guard down because this person does not make complete you, but this person helps you complete yourself. And finding this kind of an energy in someone and building a life out of all the moments that you two spend together does not happen overnight. It takes time, courage and patience. And you completely have your right to make this decision and choice for yourself. You should not feel obligated to experience the process and the feeling at a certain age. There is so much more that you can do in the meantime. You can reinvent yourself and find your muse in something that you are passionate about. You can earn some money and travel. Or you can just simply meet new people and do that one thing that has always been out of your comfort zone. Fall in love with yourself instead of wasting your time and energy and something that is only capable of being fictitious. Wait for something that will be real. Have patience because what’s the worst that can happen?

I am 20!

Turning 20 feels..a bit odd. I feel old already, maybe not old in terms of being 78 or something but old like, now I have to be accountable for everything that I do. The fact that now my age will start with the digit 2 really tells me how fast times flies and how human lives are momentary. On one specific day, every single year, you get older by an addition of one and we make memories, some which we want to forget and some which we never will. We lost track of time and I realized how transient everything is, which is why it is so important to cherish every second that you are breathing and doing something.

But I am really happy since my friend gave me a bouquet and this is the first time I have received a it and I have always wanted one.

Moving on, I do not have any specific birthday wishes but there are certain minor goals that I want to accomplish before I turn 21, some of them being- do more social work and contribute more to the society in terms of being helpful and spread awareness. I also want to control the amount of money that I spend daily on things that I actually don’t need. I am an avid spender and I definitely want to control that. I want to start eating healthy (regardless of the number of times I have said that to myself, I still want to work towards this one). I definitely want to make a proper routine and write more on a regular basis. I also want to get back into working out. After I moved to Dubai, my health went down the road. I know I shouldn’t blame it on other factors but I became quite upset with the carelessness that I had developed towards my health and well-being. I also want to expand my horizons when it comes to spirituality. I have been listening to a lot of spiritual talks and also have been reading a lot on different topics from different gurus so I really want to delve deeper into this. But that is all for now.

So that was it for my little birthday post and I will be back soon! 😊

Not the normal college life

Back in high school, when I used to think about college, I used to think of how I would finally get all the freedom that I felt deprived of. I used to think about amazing my life would be. I would finally get the chance to build genuine relationships that would last for all the lifetimes to come. But now I cannot stop thinking about how wrong I was.

I thought about how I couldn’t wait to finally stay up all night and go to fun parties and socialise. Little did I know, that the only reason I would stay up night would be because of the monumental amount of assignments that would be due the following week. And little did I know that I would stay awake till 3 am only because of worsening anxiety. I thought that I would make so many amazing friends and build strong relationships and friendships with people, but I never expected for people to turn against me and take advantage of the trust I gave in some people. I thought I would enjoy writing college essays and thesis papers and I would enjoy taking colourful notes during classes (well I did), but I never thought that the same things that I enjoyed and I thought that I would enjoy would turn out to be more exhausting than ever.

I thought I would be independent and do my own thing and enjoy the sanguinity of being alone and having the liberty to make my own decisions. But I never thought that I would ache for company every single day, just for someone to listen to me to rant away. I never thought that I would end up becoming more confused by the night. I thought that people would come and approach me at the cafeteria and make light-hearted conversations and make things better, but I never thought I would have to go and sit on the staircase at the back and eat lunch on my own. Little did I know that this would be comforting at the same time, after all the noise that I would have to hear on the outside. I thought I would make my own meals, exercise every single day and make my health my first priority. But little did I know that I would turn to cigarettes as a mean of brightening up. I never thought that skipping meals would become so habitual.  I thought I wouldn’t miss my family and enjoy my newfound independence. But I never thought that I would become so impatient and restless for every possible break that was there in the semester. I never thought that I would miss my mum’s voice at 7 AM in the morning coming and screaming at me to wake up or else I would be late for class. I never thought I’d miss the companionable fights with my brother that I had at almost every hour of the day. I never thought I would miss my dad giving me advices on meditating and spirituality and talking on and on about what I should do in order to not throw my life away.

Now a lot of you may think that I had a choice, I could make my college life the way I expected it to be. But there are a lot of other things that were out of my hand at that time and it isn’t as easy as it sounds. But I’m happy that I tried, I am and I always will. But I guess, I never led the “normal” college life.

To all the girls out there

To all the girls out there,

I am nobody to judge or question who is that guy that catches your heart or your eyes. I have no say in who completely sweeps you off your feet or who completely engulfs you into their charming ways. But I just want to say that be careful enough to not fall for that one person that you know could possibly break you down, could possibly use you and make you feel completely hollow. Try not to fall for the one who will take away a part of you instead of making you feel whole.

Fall for the one who loves your soul instead of your shape. Fall for the one who loves your little quirks instead of someone who puts you on a pedestal that you’re uncomfortable with. Fall for the one who makes you feel the warmth of the sun on winter days. And someone who gives you the rush of all the different hues in your favourite flowers. Someone who brings out the heat and passion of red in roses within you.

Fall in love with someone who makes you feel like you’re the brightest star in the sky. Someone who makes you feel like all the colours in the rare sighting of rainbows. Fall for someone who makes you feel as invincible as the clear, morning sky. Fall for someone who makes you feel as light as a leaf swaying rhythmically on a windy day. That someone who’s heartbeat syncs with yours and the music playing in the car while you go for long drives with him. Fall for someone who touches your pianissimos and the fortissimos of your heart. Fall for someone who calms you down on your rough days like a cool breeze by the sea or the hot chocolate that you take in the evenings.

Fall for someone who is in love with you so much that he cannot find any word in the vocabulary of any language to describe how he feels for you. Someone who can beat all the poetry written in the romantic era because you are the only person his heart beats for. Someone who makes you and your memories together feel timeless. Fall for someone who makes you feel like his love for you is so pure that a Romeo and Juliet comparison for the two of you would be an understatement. Fall for someone so beautiful and honest and cherishing that he will make you want to write poetry about him.

Songs That Changed My Life (& Could Change Yours Too)

There’s no doubt about the fact there is no single human on this earth who is not a lover of music. Music is a universal language for everyone to communicate their thoughts and feelings about something or someone. It is an alluring element and alleviates any pain that we go through. And sometimes it frames our thoughts which we cannot form in our minds. And sometimes, it has the power to change our lives and our perspectives by giving us the different dynamics for a single concept. So here is a list of succinct songs of blended genres that had the power to move me (figuratively):

  1. The Masterplan  – Oasis
  2.  Rhiannon – Fleetwood Mac
  3. Skinny Love – Bon Iver
  4. Graveyard Whistling  – Nothing But Thieves 
  5. Teddy Picker Arctic Monkeys 
  6. Misguided Ghosts – Paramore
  7. Nothing Else Matters – Metallica
  8. Fix You – Coldplay
  9. Wolves Without Teeth – Of Monsters And Men
  10. Send Me An Angel – Scorpions

The list is way longer than just 10 songs but those are the ones that always come to mind first. Do let me know which songs have tugged at your heartstrings and have impacted you the most! (:

Things That I Learned From Photography

It does not matter if you just like taking photos on your phone for passing time or you casually walk around with your dslr in hopes of catching something that the human eye does not come across often.

If you just like to wander around with any piece of device which has a camera and you just like to take it out and capture simple moments from day to day’s life then I’m pretty sure that you must have learned a few things that I’m going to list down over here now from my personal experience.

Yes, I’ve been interested in photography and the entire idea around it for quiet sometime now and there are a few things which I never would have learned if I would not have been exposed to the world of photography where stories are depicted with every good photo that is taken. And here are some things which I realized after I started to just capture moments which spoke to me:

  1. It is okay to compare yourself to others. When you’re constantly taking photos, then it’s highly likely that you’re going to compare your work to other peoples’; regardless of the fact whether you’re a professional or just take photos for your own pleasure. But it is absolutely okay and normal to compare yourself to others. The only thing that you need to keep in mind is to never stop and just keep doing what you’re doing, because you are an individual with your own name and your own identity and nobody can take that away from you.
  2. Don’t constrict yourself int thinking that there are rules. This doesn’t only apply to photography but pretty much everything; there are no set rules when you’re in a world where your creativity speaks. But if you really cannot do without some rules then go ahead and make your own. 🙂
  3. Being a little proud is okay. If there is something that you’re insanely proud of solely due to the fact that you created it, then there is nothing wrong with having a little but of pride and showing that to the world because you know it’s worth it.
  4. Find a purpose. This one is so cliche and yet so important. I just started coming across photos one day, completely random photos and then I realized that this might be a hobby that might genuinely turn into a passion and it did and it helped me to figure out my preferences and what I like and what I don’t like and eventually I realized that everything has a purpose just like a single photo tells a story.

So if you’re interested in photography then how did you get started and what did you learn from it? Let me know. 🙂

Favourite Songs: April ’16

May just started a while back and it is that time again when I am going to blog about my replay list which dominated my music playlist last month. The entire list is pretty diverse and some of the songs are not even that new. But they were literally all that I listened to for the past month. Yes, the list includes some of my all time favorite artists, which are Arctic Monkeys, Lana Del Rey and Chet Faker. Actually all my playlists of my favorite songs will never fail to have one of these beauties. So without any further ado, let’s get right into it:

  1. Be the one-Dua Lipa
  2. Roses– The Chainsmokers
  3. Chasing Hearts– Breathe Carolina
  4. Slow and steady– Of Monsters and Men
  5. No diggity– Chet Faker
  6. Decode– Paramore
  7. This is what makes us girls– Lana Del Rey
  8. Knee Socks– Arctic Monkeys
  9. Slow motion– Trey Songz
  10. 7 years– Lukas Graham

What were your favorite songs during the month of April? Let me know 🙂

Whiskey, Words and A Shovel

I’m back! I was away for a while due to my exams but now that I am finally free, here I am, it’s 8:28 on the clock and I’m super excited about my new blog post.

So, among the many different things that I have passion for, poetry is one of them. There is something about poetry, which is good, dark, simple and complex all at the same time. So, to much to my likeness, I came across one of the most “real” books with some of most darkest truths.

The book is ‘Whiskey, Words and A Shovel’ by R.H. Sin. The title of the book itself is very suggestive of what is on the inside. It is the kind of book which is small, simple, does not have much written in it, but whatever you read, becomes something that defines and awakens old raw feelings within you. That’s what it did to me.

Here are some of my favorite quotes from the book:

“The only downfall of having a good heart is that you’re constantly looking for angels inside of demons.”

“One day you’ll realize that everything meant to destroy you, only made you stronger.”

“We all want someone to notice our sadness and when they do, we lie and pretend to be happy.”

So, do you like poetry? Or reading? Do you have any book recommendations for me?

🙂