melancholy

I Try To Forget You, Anyway

I try and line myself on the edge of my bed 

to keep your thoughts at bay, but you

make an appearance in my dreams anyway. 

I try to pack up your thoughts in my jewelry box

but I want to wear my favorite earrings anyway, everyday. 

I try to convince myself that I love winter, but you are my sun

and it rose every morning anyway. I did everything I could

to forget you, but the outline of your lips resembled the petals

of the flowers that I held and kissed everyday. 

***

Some thoughts, you just can’t push them away. 

Flowers Drenched in Rainwater

Flowers drenched in rainwater 

O, how heavy you must feel!

Thoughts cascading down the edges of my shoulders

Overwhelmed, by the burden, I kneel. 

I bend to pick up the flowers 

My mind- not wanting to be kind

It only wants to pick up the pretty ones

And leave the withering ones behind. 

My heart warns myself, not to be fool’d 

“Look down at your own hands” it says

Graceful and delicate, now they are

But failing the tests of time one day

your own skin will slowly wrinkle away.

Falling For You: They asked me how I knew

People often ask me, how I knew that I was in love. Even though you never held my hand or caressed my neck nor whisper honeyed words into my ears.

I still knew.

I still knew that it was you.

I told them that it was the littlest things that would suffice. When you would walk into the room and you would smile at your friends and then look around to catch my eye and warmth would emanate through the dust particles between us, only to make everything more pure. The way the sound of your laugh was more than just a laugh and a sweet melody like Mozart to my ears. How your smile was my secret hiding place on days when I felt the weight of my own thoughts on my shoulders. How our little conversations were the music that put me to sleep and how they were the first remembrances in my mind at 7 AM when I woke. That’s when I contemplated as to why people phrase it “falling in love” because you were a manifestation that I rose to every single day. But that part comes later, because only if I knew. Only if I had payed enough attention to the red traffic signal instead of getting consumed in the joys of the green one. If only I would have shut the windows a bit tighter to prevent the rain from seeping through, onto my wooden floors, turning them a darker shade. If only I would have blown out the candle a bit earlier.

If only.

But those few moments with you were bountiful and full of life- endless exuberant sunlit days of a young girl, of a one-sided kind of love. The rush of adrenaline by just thinking of you. The unforced and natural smile on my face and the irregular thudding of my heart against my cage. If it wasn’t for all these, then would true love be? I used to think that maybe one day, I would wake up and see your face next to mine, how your caramel hair tousled callously around your temples. How I would know how you like your coffee on Sunday mornings and how we would bicker about the most foolish things, only to come apologizing on each other’s doors in the evening. Ever wondered if “maybes” just remain “maybes” or turn out to be “never”?

I was unsure as to what possibly went wrong. What shift had taken place in the cosmos, where was the faultline under my earth, that I had to reassemble myself from the doom of unrequited love. And that’s when I realized why they call it “falling in love”. It’s a sudden dive into the depths of the oceans where nothing but your feelings and affection matter. Everything else becomes unimportant and secondary. You lose grasp of your own belongings and your own-self whilst in search of the rare pearl.

And how foolish was I and still am to let those memories of you make my bones warm on a winter’s day.  

***

So how did you know?

I Will Confess, Only After Death

Twas the mellow glint in thy eyes

So subtle, yet bright

Like a candle casting its light

I- your shadow in disguise.

Seldom, we spoke

An encore of our conversations, my early thoughts

When I woke. Your presence in my mind

long lived like the Oak. 

O, but in thy heart, there was some other

The truth, only leaving me bereft

Your unending presence, myself- tethered

Alors, perhaps, I will confess my love, only after death. 

***

Loving someone feels great, but not being loved back?

 

Is it even worth it?

All the blood and the violence and
the tearing apart
What could have been a flower
Turned into brutal hearts

What could have been resolved
With words and understanding, but you chose
to show power by bleeding your own people
And then with more killing

At His mercy, we were given power
So we could bring people to life
But all those acts of gratitude
By people who only connive

Silence Was My Guide

(To all those who have the courage to stay quiet and calm during days of the storms.)

Silence was my guide-

When your words stung me

Wounding and unkind

Callous deep inside.

Silence was my guide-

As I only became a mere observer

And decided to remain quiet

Petty sulking in my own melancholy.

Silence was my guide-

When thoughts of my own

Hazed the ground under me

Pulled down by my own mind.

Silence was my guide-

As I lay, in my insomnia

Thinking of the closest to me

Such enemies, how could they be?

Sanity

The minute hand passing by

Pages turning over

Nietzsche and then Karl Marx

Philosopher after philosopher

Trying to make sense of my vanished balance

Still squandering, dust within my fingers

Gracefully falling

On dissipating grounds beneath my feet

Serenity evaporated through that ground

Only to be vanquished by what was more

Powerful- my mind.

Answers, not even one held. As they watched,

Through the glass, all the passer-by’s, between

The books and pages, staring back. Right at me.

A Girl’s Beauty, ‘Tis Whole

A girl’s beauty, ‘tis whole

As a full new moon

Leaving her trails on this earth

Where she walked.

Amidst the darkness, the curve of her back

Like the crescent moon and the shine

Her gazes strewn

Meander through the gaps ‘tween

Your fingers and the shady trees

Yet,

Be careful! You love her too sweet

Poison in disguise, it might be

For her eyes are aught but that of a cat’s-

Vicious and innocent

Preying, desperate to catch.

My Heart, Twas Still

The facade above my head,

with cotton clouds, it filled.

My heart shell’d by the cage

in deluge of thoughts, it was still.

Butterflies and memories

gathering around me, as 

the pink of the sinking sun

through the horizon, it spilled. 

My gazes, adrift

an off-road train.

From my hands, they fell

given by you- immaterial daffodils. 

Traces of the vase, now near my feet

Not a single blood of mine

it would spill, as

my heart in deluge, twas still. 

The Flower I Never Bloomed Into

You wanted me to be one of those flowers-

bursting with exuberance and

dripping bright colors.

Pink, red or maybe yellow?

The flower that was there in every bouquet,

the one always plucked first,

the one found in gardens of houses

with pretty facades.

But I grew into a flower-

quiet and unwashed.

Growing along with the creepers

on the desolate and dilapidated frontiers.

Observing from a shy distance,

the untrue faculties of the world.

My words in a masquerade of  silence and fear.

But you never seek to appreciate, respect or understand 

my beauty. 

But how unfair,

for beauty is bestowed in every soul

and so we are told

but rarely heed.