thoughts

If There Was A Parallel Universe

If there was a parallel universe somewhere out there. A place where we could be possibly be together- I would cherish every inch of your body and every atom of your soul. I would wait for you under the scorching heat, under the pouring rain, in the depths of darkness- I would wait for you because I know that once you would be in the embrace of my arms, everything would make sense and everything would be okay. We would listen to the soft music that you love while sharing a cup of coffee. And every ticking minute that would pass by, I would feel closer and closer to heaven. And if you’d ask me why I enjoyed every single second with you so much and why I couldn’t live without you, I’d have no logical explanation. It would be the safety and the simplicity that I saw in your eyes, how falling into your arms felt like ascending to a greater place- to paradise. When you sat next to me- so close, I could see our skin wrinkling away together and how I would hold your hand through the all the changes that we would go through. You would tell me how you didn’t even have to try and just how a river flows effortlessly, you trickled down into my soul and how you would say that you’d never imagine that breathing underwater would feel so great. In a universe far away, where there were raging wars and bloodshed and complicated thoughts, we would be dancing at 2 am in our little house together. If there was a parallel universe, our souls would be the only things colliding into each other. We wouldn’t have to parade around and let the world know or shower each other with roses. We would only be in each other’s’ thoughts and that would be enough for us to believe. No fight would be strong enough to break us apart. No differences would be enough to make either of us feel left out. No silence between us would make us feel empty or hollow. No falling flower would make us feel like time is running out. No darkness would make us feel devoid of light. For, we’d be each other’s sunlight seeping through the soft cracks of the leaves that would form in the sky. No winter would be cold enough. Your hand, even though it is slightly bigger than mine, it would fit. Your eye colour is blue and mine is brown and somehow those two colours don’t go together but when we would look into each other’s eyes, they’d complement each other under the shimmering sunlight. No secret would be big enough to hide from each other, because faith would be the only powerful thing in this world. In this world, our hearts would be the only things racing fast while time outside with the wind would slow down and become soft, only so that we could savour every given moment with other.

Of everything I know about the existence of multiverses and the cosmos, if there was a parallel universe somewhere out there, a reality where there would be nothing holding us back from each other, where everything was pure and safe and sweet- I’d love you just the same.

Flowers Drenched in Rainwater

Flowers drenched in rainwater 

O, how heavy you must feel!

Thoughts cascading down the edges of my shoulders

Overwhelmed, by the burden, I kneel. 

I bend to pick up the flowers 

My mind- not wanting to be kind

It only wants to pick up the pretty ones

And leave the withering ones behind. 

My heart warns myself, not to be fool’d 

“Look down at your own hands” it says

Graceful and delicate, now they are

But failing the tests of time one day

your own skin will slowly wrinkle away.

Paper Flowers

Paper flowers in the wind

Gracefully at the might of my feet

Each petal bearing my sin, that would go unpunished 

For their beauty, I beseech for thee. 

Paper flowers amongst the pages

Hidden like valuable bookmarks

Endless pages with storytelling lines

All akin to my living lies. 

Paper flowers on the stems

Growing and falling at the same time

Counting every petal- one to ten

Collecting my thoughts, of your shrine. 

Falling For You: They asked me how I knew

People often ask me, how I knew that I was in love. Even though you never held my hand or caressed my neck nor whisper honeyed words into my ears.

I still knew.

I still knew that it was you.

I told them that it was the littlest things that would suffice. When you would walk into the room and you would smile at your friends and then look around to catch my eye and warmth would emanate through the dust particles between us, only to make everything more pure. The way the sound of your laugh was more than just a laugh and a sweet melody like Mozart to my ears. How your smile was my secret hiding place on days when I felt the weight of my own thoughts on my shoulders. How our little conversations were the music that put me to sleep and how they were the first remembrances in my mind at 7 AM when I woke. That’s when I contemplated as to why people phrase it “falling in love” because you were a manifestation that I rose to every single day. But that part comes later, because only if I knew. Only if I had payed enough attention to the red traffic signal instead of getting consumed in the joys of the green one. If only I would have shut the windows a bit tighter to prevent the rain from seeping through, onto my wooden floors, turning them a darker shade. If only I would have blown out the candle a bit earlier.

If only.

But those few moments with you were bountiful and full of life- endless exuberant sunlit days of a young girl, of a one-sided kind of love. The rush of adrenaline by just thinking of you. The unforced and natural smile on my face and the irregular thudding of my heart against my cage. If it wasn’t for all these, then would true love be? I used to think that maybe one day, I would wake up and see your face next to mine, how your caramel hair tousled callously around your temples. How I would know how you like your coffee on Sunday mornings and how we would bicker about the most foolish things, only to come apologizing on each other’s doors in the evening. Ever wondered if “maybes” just remain “maybes” or turn out to be “never”?

I was unsure as to what possibly went wrong. What shift had taken place in the cosmos, where was the faultline under my earth, that I had to reassemble myself from the doom of unrequited love. And that’s when I realized why they call it “falling in love”. It’s a sudden dive into the depths of the oceans where nothing but your feelings and affection matter. Everything else becomes unimportant and secondary. You lose grasp of your own belongings and your own-self whilst in search of the rare pearl.

And how foolish was I and still am to let those memories of you make my bones warm on a winter’s day.  

***

So how did you know?

I Will Confess, Only After Death

Twas the mellow glint in thy eyes

So subtle, yet bright

Like a candle casting its light

I- your shadow in disguise.

Seldom, we spoke

An encore of our conversations, my early thoughts

When I woke. Your presence in my mind

long lived like the Oak. 

O, but in thy heart, there was some other

The truth, only leaving me bereft

Your unending presence, myself- tethered

Alors, perhaps, I will confess my love, only after death. 

***

Loving someone feels great, but not being loved back?

 

Is it even worth it?

All the blood and the violence and
the tearing apart
What could have been a flower
Turned into brutal hearts

What could have been resolved
With words and understanding, but you chose
to show power by bleeding your own people
And then with more killing

At His mercy, we were given power
So we could bring people to life
But all those acts of gratitude
By people who only connive

All Your Faces

All your faces, mere illusions
Mask beneath masks, the farther I went
The more I speculated reality- the weight of it
Or mayhaps the burden
On my frail outlines, I tried to hold
Only to crumble down on me
The closer I became to you
More distant I felt and stranger
I grew
Every moment I spent
When our eyes met, smiles synced, secrets lent
Your proximity felt imaginary
It could be, I share too much and trust
Too much and you- adept in the art of camouflage
And fooling me
But
Oh, beware, as I observe and just as cunning
To reach your core, when you lay bare
With your truth, facing right back
At you.

Silence Was My Guide

(To all those who have the courage to stay quiet and calm during days of the storms.)

Silence was my guide-

When your words stung me

Wounding and unkind

Callous deep inside.

Silence was my guide-

As I only became a mere observer

And decided to remain quiet

Petty sulking in my own melancholy.

Silence was my guide-

When thoughts of my own

Hazed the ground under me

Pulled down by my own mind.

Silence was my guide-

As I lay, in my insomnia

Thinking of the closest to me

Such enemies, how could they be?

Sanity

The minute hand passing by

Pages turning over

Nietzsche and then Karl Marx

Philosopher after philosopher

Trying to make sense of my vanished balance

Still squandering, dust within my fingers

Gracefully falling

On dissipating grounds beneath my feet

Serenity evaporated through that ground

Only to be vanquished by what was more

Powerful- my mind.

Answers, not even one held. As they watched,

Through the glass, all the passer-by’s, between

The books and pages, staring back. Right at me.

A Girl’s Beauty, ‘Tis Whole

A girl’s beauty, ‘tis whole

As a full new moon

Leaving her trails on this earth

Where she walked.

Amidst the darkness, the curve of her back

Like the crescent moon and the shine

Her gazes strewn

Meander through the gaps ‘tween

Your fingers and the shady trees

Yet,

Be careful! You love her too sweet

Poison in disguise, it might be

For her eyes are aught but that of a cat’s-

Vicious and innocent

Preying, desperate to catch.